Part of Big Girl's Childhood is gone forever.
Before I go on, let me back up to the recent Easter. There we were, getting things ready for the Easter Bunny to come and hide the eggs, when Big Girl noticed that Little Girl had gone somewhere else.
"Mommy, Daddy," she whispered, "I think you are the Easter Bunny."
WHAM! Where did THAT come from?
After some discussion, we let her in on it with the strictest instructions not to discuss this with her sister, anyone younger than her, or ANYONE at our homeschool co-op. (There are a lot of believers there, even older than Big Girl.)
I told Hubby that it wasn't long. This was probably the last year, I said, that Big Girl believed in Santa. I'd tear up every time I said it, every time I thought of it.
Yesterday, Big Girl told Little Girl that she wanted to discuss the present she was giving her for Christmas. "Stay upstairs!" she commanded as she trotted down to talk to me.
"Mommy," she started, "I think you and Daddy are the Tooth Fairy."
Crap. I thought. Here we go. She's softening me up. I can tell it won't be long.
"Oh? What on earth would I want your teeth for?"
Apparently, one of the Older Girls at the Co Op told Big Girl that she found a box with her baby teeth in it, thus proving to her that her parents are really taking the teeth and giving her money.
I brushed her off for a while and asked Hubby what to do. "If I tell her there is no Tooth Fairy, she is going to deduce that there's no Santa!" I whined.
"Honey, I think she's already figured it out. Just sit down and talk to her." Hubby is so smart. We made a plan. After dinner, he'd help Little Girl wrap her present for Big Girl, and I'd help Big Girl wrap her present for Little Girl. While wrapping, we'd also figure out where the Tooth Fairy business was going.
It went right where I feared. Carefully, I danced around it, trying to figure out what she already knew and what she didn't know. Why give her more information than she wants or needs? I figured.
"Mommy, I won't be mad if there is no Tooth Fairy," Big Girl told me seriously. "I'll be glad if you aren't treating me like a baby."
Wow. Flashbacks of Missy Sprague! Babies believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa and the Easter Bunny? Ouch.
So, after much discussion, the Tooth Fairy was gone. Then came the next part, just when I thought we were done.
"Wow. I don't believe in the Easter Bunny, I don't believe in the Tooth Fairy ... I don't think I even believe in SANTA CLAUS!"
I think she did it to see what I'd do, and I think all the blood drained from my face. Then it all rushed back, and I could feel the heat rising all over my cheeks.
"Whaaaaa...?" Yes, that was me: college-educated, well-read, well-spoken, graduate of the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking Class. I did something I rarely do. I actually stammered.
"Well?" Big Girl stared at me with a huge grin on her face. I think she was incredibly nervous, but excited at the possibility that she'd figured something out. She started to giggle. "IS there?"
I fought to regain my composure. Finally, I said, "Well, what makes you think that there isn't?"
"I don't know. I just think so."
I answered, still trying to be cautious, "What, do you think it's like you said about the Tooth Fairy? Only babies believe in Santa? 'Cuz plenty of kids, even older than you, believe in Santa."
"Do you?"
"Why wouldn't I?!?" I was quickly losing it. I could feel my face get redder.
More discussion. Finally, I said, "So you don't believe in Santa any more?"
"Well, I don't think so."
"That makes me a little bit sad," I admitted, while my eyes teared up a bit. Big Girl climbed into my lap and hugged me.
"It's okay. I'm only kidding. I really believe in Santa. Just kidding. Boy, did I get you!" Insert false and hysterical laughter here. Poor kid is going to pretend to make Mommy feel better!
Gradually, we worked through that, and she admitted that, no, she doesn't really think there's a Santa. I even asked her about when she saw Rudolph's nose. "Probably just a plane," she calmly answered.
I told her that there were two things I required of her now. First, she must NOT try searching for presents. That will only ruin things on Christmas morning. Second, she must NEVER tell any other children.
"The younger ones, right?"
"No. Your Cousin in Florida believes." She is nearly ten.
"NO WAY!"
"Yes, way! And the Family at the Co Op Expecting Number Seven? They ALL believe in Santa. DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH ANYONE." I even told her about Missy Sprague, and how I waited until I got home to cry.
"Okay. But why do they believe? Didn't they figure it out?"
"Well, some kids kind of suspect it, but they want to believe, so they just do."
"Well, I guess I'm just not that kind of kid, am I?"
Very true, sweet heart. Very true.
Big Girl is very sincere and caring, and I know she won't tell. I really did know this day was coming. I'd expected this to be the very last year she believed, but I did not expect her to stop believing five days before Christmas. Four days before Santa came.
A part of her childhood died yesterday. And it made me a little bit sad.
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