I've Got the Blues

I have had the baby blues BIG TIME lately. Every once in a while, I get a yearning to be up all night with a wee one again, holding the tiny bundle of love and sweetness, smelling the baby scent that always lingers on the head...tiny toes, tiny feet, little bitty fingers that wrap trustingly around your own with a grip that is freakishly strong for such a tiny being. I want that unparalleled trust that you see in the eyes of a newborn - that look that clearly says, "You've got my life in your hands, and that's great."

Sometimes, the feeling is so overwhelming that I don't care if I'd likely be sick for 25 weeks or longer - hospitalized, IV's, serious mind-altering drugs to keep the nausea and vomitting at a managable level. I don't care that I'd not only be unable to care for my family, but I couldn't even care for myself.

I. Just. Want. A. Baby.

It passes. It always does. And I remember that I'm highly blessed with two beautiful girls. The good Lord protected them while I was pregnant - protected them from the drugs I have to take that can cross the placenta, protected them from possible malnutrition due to my inability to eat or drink anything for weeks. He wrapped His mighty hand around them and saved them from harm. And I am eternally grateful. I cannot express the relief I feel when I realize how seriously harmed they could have been due to the drugs I had to take. And I lived, too. I'm so grateful for that. My OBs handed me over almost immediately when they realized how sick I was getting when I was pregnant with Big Girl, and as soon as I was diagnosed with HG again with Little Girl, they handed me over again to the same high-risk OB. No one even once suggested abortion. I had friends, family, and even the nurses at the hospital praying for me, praying for my children. Even when I had a Dark Night during the second pregnancy, God never left me. He carried me through it, even when I could not feel His presence.

But that feeling comes. And when it comes, nothing in the world could make me stop wanting to have another baby. But I know the cost. And it's a high cost. And I don't pay it all, either.

I just cannot ask my family to go through it again. I can't disappear for days at a time in the hospital when my husband has to travel for his job and my children need me. I can't become completely non-functional for months, where I can't stand the smell of anything at all, nor any sensory stimulation.

And I know that there will come a day when we'll be able to adopt a child, add to our family that way. Little Girl will get to be a big sister, finally. We talk about it - my husband and I - often. When he read about Jim Caviezel and his wife adopting, he said, "I'm not sure I could adopt a disabled child, but I can totally see us adopting a child from another country if it was possible." So we know our family will grow, someday...

But, man...that feeling. That yearning for a newborn, for the feeling of that baby kicking inside my womb...

But it will pass.

Always does.

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