Update (1:00 PM EDT): Optical drive doesn't even spin when I put an OS disc into it. I think it might really be dead. All it does when I turn it on is give me information on the processor and then stare stupidly at me as if it's never done anything else before.
Now to see if anyone can get my taxes off the hard drive.
(And to think I was about to treat it to more memory and a wireless card this weekend. Thank God I didn't buy that before it offed itself!)